I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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