remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
