i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
