I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
