why didn't you poke me back
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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