maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
