I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
