My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
