Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
