Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
