I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
