I wanna passion pit in your ass
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
