Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
