My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
