he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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