so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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