I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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