I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
return my video game
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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