anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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