took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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