Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
