did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
