Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
