somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
