I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
