she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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