Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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