hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
