It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
