Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
