My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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