If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
