I CAN MOONWALK!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
