She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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