I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
