so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
