Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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