My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
