You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
