Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
