I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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