Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
