Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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