good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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