goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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