we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
