I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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