I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
