If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
