mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
