Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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