I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
