if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
