remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
