We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
