I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
